Comments on How To Get Anything You Want by Charlie Fish
- Hi. I find some of your expressions quite hilarious indeed, with all their double meanings. However, I am at a loss to understand as to how you got rid of Joleen so cheaply... once you got her into yes mode, you should have made best use of her yes mode... and some more interesting encounters, your irritating ring notwithstanding! Bye, ravi bedi
- Lol. Selling spoons to Alanis Morissette. That is a bit of an obscure one, don't you think?
- Yes, this is a great piece. I would push to sell it.
- Very well done. I concur with the other comments that suggest trying to get this published. Just a few tiny things: 'Her curly black hair was pulled back, stretching her skin tight over her face.' This sentence seems a bit odd to me, namely the second half. You are trying to describe the woman's beauty, but tightly-stretched skin gives me a bizarre and unattractive visual. That could just be me, though. The end was somewhat unsatisfying; I don't think he really deserved to get out of the mess he made himself, but I also wanted Joleen to have that smirk wiped off her face. It's not a bad ending by any means, however. Other than that, it seemed pretty flawless. It was very interesting from a psychological perspective and was a very easy read. Nice job.
- Interesting read, didn't get bored once. Read much quicker than the length it is. Cool stuff! "bra, so I expect you all to support me." – lol @ pun
- The story overall is a decent first draft. General Plot: The humor seems to be dry sarcasm portrayed primarily through the narration of the main character since the events are not very humorous. I thought the main character would be better off being single since his 'marriage' seems to detract from the humor of the piece. I found myself wondering why he was portrayed as married when it didn't seem relevent until the very end. Indeed, being married just made him seem more of a chump as events unfolded since he had no regard for his marriage at all. His primary concern was his job. Even as he was breaking his marriage vows without the slightest concern, he was careful not to reveal any secrets about work, such as the soap project name. This distraction from the humor of the piece seems unecessary. He could just be single with the blackmail revolving only around his job. If he is more likeable, the piece may be a bit more humorous. Some of your details in the beginning don't support the idea of him as a married man. Lines like, 'Watching television and masturbating.'
- Dialogue: It's awkward reading dialogue that is fractured within the first few words or before any meaning is imparted. For example: "Today," she said... "I am going..." - This would read much better as, "Today I am going to teach you..." she said...
- Characterization: You begin the story with a reference to her smile as if we've already been given a description and can recall the imagery as needed. 'That smile' can inspire any image, depending on the reader's preferences. If you don't care what imagery the reader is recalling, then that's ok, but her looks seem pertinent to the humor of the story. Also, 'trying to bust out...' doesn't have sexual, sexy, or sensual conotations, which seems important when trying to make her a believable object of lust. The descriptions of the instructor are a bit awkward. Even with the phrases you use, I still can't build a mental image of her. For example, 'she had the manner of an east end city girl...' What manner is this? The east end of what city and what are these people like? How does 'being born on a beach' effect your skin and bearing? That's a bizarre connection. When you say she has the body of Barbie, she is immediately rendered as a Barbie look-alike in my mind. I am not familiar with Barbarella or Barbara Windsor so those comparisons do nothing for me. She is now a skinny beach blond with a cockney accent. So it is a bit disconcerting to have her described as having 'dark eyebrows', 'heavy eyelids', curly black hair', 'black eyes', further on since it conflicts with the image I've created for her. It seems you need to build a picture of her very early in the story so the reader can understand why the guys are enamored of her and know what you are talking about when you say, 'that smile.' It would be nice if you included some visual detail in your descriptions. For example, "Joleen was immediately apologetic, in her disarmingly effervescent way" is vague. What does disarmingly effervescent way mean? Perhaps you could describe what she was doing (body language) and saying to make her apologetic. This type of vague description occurs throughout the piece. Adding more detail would bring it to life in a more engaging way.
- Miscellaneous: I have to admit that it's hard to believe he thinks he is invincible when she seemed to be controlling the encounter they had. His thoughts afterward make him seem a bit dumb: 'I felt invincible. I was daydreaming about all the people I could persuade to do my bidding; all of the long-held desires I could sate.' - or completely oblivious. In general, I think the plot line could be engaging and believable with the injection of more descriptions, more showing rather than telling, the change in marital status of the main character, and a bit more sophistication to the technique used to bed the instructor so the main char doesn't seem like a chump and an idiot. The tone of the story is that of a guy retelling a story of what happened to him as opposed to the reader being there with him as events unfold.
- The beginning was very good, engaging. However, the characters fell flat after the beginning. Overall the plotline was predictable. But did have unique elements. I hate it whenever I get that "Eureka" moment early in the text, this was the case with this story. From their first encounter it is evident where the story is going. I feel like I've already read the synopsis, and that is terrible. Hide the story a little better. Or perhaps a series of surprises would help. What diminishes the story so much is that the reader recieves exactly what is expected and recieves no surprise. The "Eureka" moment happens early, but there is no moment like that later. Explore the class and show more of the attendees. The man's home life is inconsequential so use it to reveal character or lose it. Dialogue was mixed. Some good, but most didn't reveal anything about the people who spoke. Dialogue was really only used as a plot device. That said it needs more. I found much of the story humorous if lacking in defined characters. Better characters would allow the readers to find the story more humorous. Good first draft though. Needs to find it's center and explore the characters a little more. I'm a character driven writer and this seemed to rely more on plot devices rather than character development. We recieved no notion of setting or time.
- Such a relief to find something I could understand and get past the first paragraph of. I enjoyed reading it. If it was bad I wouldn't lie to you. I may not say anything, but I wouldn't lie.
- Now this is what I call an opening paragraph. It's funny, it introduces the characters, has dialogue and drew me straight in wanting to read more.
- "My interests include bikram yoga, which is yoga in high heat..." scantily clad in a sauna contorting my body into the most fascinating positions (she only said this in my head)" That made me laugh again. This is good humour, and in an original way.
- Not a wasted word anywhere in this. Nice n tight. I like the way he slyly introduces the conflict, almost without the reader realising it's there. Clever. I was at the bottom of the first page before I even thought about it.
- "so I guess we're rivals," I made fists at her to illustrate this." So succinct. Nice style. Polished and confident. The character is coming to life nicely at this point.
- "she said, leaning forward so her cleavage drew my eye." A nice touch of colour just at the point the dialogue was starting to get tiring on the eye. Crafty indeed.
- "Like, what's the codename for this project?" At this point I think I've guessed the end, but we'll see. Ok, so I was only half right and the end was a lot further away than I thought. But the last two sentences sum it all up perfectly and even exits with a smile.
- That was a fun story! I can't believe you were fired over this... I almost thought that was a continuation of the story! Lee Ann Carr, Bedford, VA
- Author's comment: THIS STORY GOT ME FIRED! I am writing this paragraph after returning home from an unsuccessful appeal against my dismissal from Procter & Gamble. They fired me for two counts of misconduct, both of which arose from this website. The first was storing inappropriate material on my company laptop (I had no other computer so I had to store my website there in order to update it, and any of you who have been to the secret area of this site will guess what the inappropriate material was!); and the second was damaging the company's reputation. How does this story damage the company's reputation? It uses a corruption of the Ariel logo in its title picture, it contains "thinly disguised references to competitor companies" (Doctor & Johnson, Kimberlever) - and the best one of all - in the comment below I referred to Procter & Gamble's "cultish side". I meant no religious inference, but with rumours like this around I must have hit a nerve. The good news is that now it's all over I am no longer an unemployed salesman, I am now an unemployed editor - it is time to pursue my real passion. The other good news is that since they fired me, I can leave all this reputation-damaging stuff on the Internet, for your entertainment, with impunity!
- Wonderful story. It hooked me with the twists & turns.
- Author's comment: My inspiration for this story was the cultish side of the corporate world I've been surrounded by since starting my job as a salesman for Procter & Gamble.
Names have, of course, been changed to protect the innocent.
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