Comments on A Song for Miriam by Rory Allen
- Hi, Just a couple of comments. I would get rid of extraneous comments such as: "you see"... we DO see. You write... the reader, hopefully, "sees." Phrases like: "for the rest of her life" are not really necessary and do NOT speed the story along. Also, they are somewhat cliche. "In the world" was another one. as were: "Limp as a RAG DOLL", and "CRIMSON red." Then you later have another: "for you see." The emotion of this piece is belabored. We all "SEE" the tragedy of the situation and the misery of it. I think you kind of overdo it. This needs trimming down and underplaying to get the point across. It could still work. AND... there are many original and powerful images you have in the telling and the writing. But I don't think YOU even knew about that as they kind of seemed to sneak by you... because you were so intent on hitting the heavy images. Lighten it up a bit... trim it! Good luck, GA
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