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"I believe in brotherhood, peace and love!" shrieked Josef, his long black sideburn curls bouncing as he ran from an Arabian knife-wielding maniac as fast as his black robe would allow. One hand held up his robe and the other held his oversized black top hat to his head. "I believe in not being chased by crazies of any race or creed... aaagh!"
Josef yelped as the Arab leapt dangerously down a flight of stone steps and landed squarely on him. The Arab recovered quickly and made sure that Josef was pinned. Josef struggled weakly, but he was helpless with his face squashed against the stone floor. He strained his eyes to look up at his attacker through crushed glasses, and jumped in surprise when he saw the Arab's wild eyes just two inches away from his own. The Arab grinned widely, showing off all three of his long pink-yellow teeth. A string of saliva dangled from that foetid mouth as he moved his face even closer to Josef's. Josef felt cold metal press against his back.
"Are you prepared to die for your beliefs?" The words oozed from the Arab's mouth like sweat.
Josef hastily tried to think of an effective compromise; "I believe in life!" His hand suddenly held a thick volume of the Torah, which he used to give the Arab an awkward uppercut. He managed to wriggle free as the Arab reeled. He dealt the Arab a few more blows with the heavy book for good measure.
"Fastest draw in the Middle East!" yelled Josef over his shoulder as he fled up a narrow alley, deftly returning his book to an inner pocket. He kept running, aware that the Arab would soon follow with a host of angry friends. Josef chastised himself for getting into another religious argument with anyone, let alone a degenerate Arabian vendor with nothing to lose but three teeth, a tattered prayer mat and a wall of souvenir candles. Not that he had anything against Arabs, but he just couldn't stand their misguided blind devotion to every letter in the Koran.
Josef ducked and weaved through the Arabian shoukim, the tall, narrow old stone alleys shading some of the harshness of Jerusalem's early afternoon sun. He bolted through the vaulted recesses of the Cardo, towards the Western Wall where it would be well policed. His intention was to hide behind a particularly burly law enforcement officer, preferably a Jewish one.
Josef didn't understand why people had to fight so much about what they believed in. He hated religion. Faith was a good idea, of course, but religion was too political. Religion caused wars, religion repressed entire races, religion made him have to grow stupid curly sideburns. He wished that somebody's God would descend from the skies and tell the world the whole truth, so there would be no more squabbling about what to believe in.
Josef stopped to kiss a Star of David that had been painted on the ancient stone wall, out of habit rather than any deep-set Semitic respect. Appearing as if out of nowhere, the Arab let out a battle cry from behind him and pushed his forehead hard against the wall. Josef was briefly stunned, though his wide-brimmed hat had saved his skull from any lasting damage. The Arab must have quietly caught up, thought Josef, running faster without the restrictions of this damned robe.
"You dishonoured Allah. Now I will circumcise the rest of you, you Jewish mosquito," breathed the Arab crudely. Josef stamped hard on the Arab's sandalled feet and stumbled away from him. The Arab thrust out his twisted dagger and caught Josef's robe, ripping it. Josef appealed to the onlooking shopkeepers and passers-by for help, but in this part of the Old City they were almost all Arabs, and they turned a blind eye. The mad Arab grabbed a trailing strip of Josef's robe as he tried to run away.
"Please!" cried Josef. "Child of Allah! Muslim maniac! Let me go; I forgive you! I am not a violent man! I believe in pa-"
The Arab punched Josef in the jaw, knocking him out cold.
Josef awoke to the sensation of being dragged across a bumpy stone alley. He saw stars dancing above his head. In fact, he seemed to be having a little bit of trouble grasping reality. The next thing he knew, it was night and he was standing atop a high wall, overlooking the splendour of Jerusalem's City of David, thinking that he must be dreaming. One of the glittering stars overhead dislodged itself and fell. He watched the shooting star arc towards the earth, surprised at how long it was lasting. In fact, it was getting bigger. His jaw dropped when he saw the meteorite hit the earth some miles in front of him. Silent at first, the land reared up towards him like a tsunami.
"Oh my God!" screeched Josef, shutting his eyes and cowering.
"I'm not God," heard Josef.
"He is not God, child, and neither am I," said another voice.
Josef hesitantly opened one eye, and then the other. He found himself crouched in the middle of a red room. It was difficult to tell how big the room was because it was all exactly the same shade of crimson, with no visible source for the ambient light that filled it. He had a sneaking suspicion that he was naked. Although he could not see anyone, Josef was somehow aware that two other people were in the room with him.
"What happened?" asked Josef, a little distressed.
"Sorry Josef," consoled the first voice, "but... you're dead."
"Did that Arab lunatic kill me?" asked Josef angrily, deciding to play along with the situation until the world started making sense again.
The second voice explained; "It was an accident. You hit your head as he dragged you across -"
"Oh, that makes it OK then?" interrupted Josef indignantly. "Curse that wretched Arab, and his family. Ha! There is no God! I believe in - hang on; who are you guys anyway? And where am I?"
"I am Trochee, he is Dactyl," said the first voice.
"I am known only as Dactyl," said the second, "and this is the Gateway."
"Gateway to where?" asked Josef, apparently talking to thin air.
"To the Afterlife," responded Trochee dramatically.
Josef paused briefly to let this sink in. He decided that he should take these people seriously, just in case they represented something really holy. He instinctively reached for his Torah, which wasn't there. He quietly muttered a quick prayer then asked solemnly; "Am I going to heaven or hell?"
Dactyl inhaled deeply, which struck Josef as an odd thing for a voice without a body to do, and said simply:
"Yes."
"Which one?" asked Josef, feeling a little cheated. "Heaven or hell?"
"Both - for you will be reborn on earth as someone else again, and life is what you make of it," said Trochee rhythmically. "Which would you have called the life you just experienced? Would you have called it hell or heaven?"
Josef thought about this for a while. He noticed that the passage of time felt somehow very definite and measured in this featureless red room. Eventually he replied, under his breath - although, curiously, he seemed not to be breathing; "Damned Arab."
"I hope that you liked our column of fire illusion," drawled Dactyl suddenly.
"The meteorite impact?" asked Josef.
"You religious people love a bit of symbolism, don't you?" Trochee said proudly.
"And you have high expectations for death, so we help you go out with a bang," explained Dactyl.
"Yeah thanks, guys. I really loved it." Josef said wryly. Even though he could not see how far apart the flat red walls were, he felt certain that they were closing in on him. He had a sensation of running out of time. He remembered once wishing that somebody's God would descend from the skies and tell the world the whole truth so there would be no more squabbling about what to believe in. And now he was conversing with two beings that apparently knew the whole truth. He decided to try and get some information out of them. "What's the truth about death then?"
"There is only one soul touring all of the bodies, regardless of space and of time," recited Dactyl hypnotically, as if quoting from a book.
"No-one ever really dies," disclosed Trochee, "they're all reborn until the soul has no more bodies left to occupy."
"The Last Incarnation," said Dactyl dreamily, "will tell us the meaning of life."
"Really?" asked Josef, suddenly feeling very claustrophobic.
"Maybe," conceded Trochee. "Really, we don't know."
"Really, we're waiting for somebody's God to descend from the skies and reveal the whole truth to us all," admitted Dactyl. Now Josef could feel the red walls pressing in on him. They moved relentlessly closer together, crushing him.
And he was born.
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