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My sister Fran has been married to Colin for fifteen years today. I can't believe how much we're all growing up. Even my beautiful niece Lily is looking adult now. I'm not sure I want to grow up, but I can't help it. The thing I hate most is that I know I won't mind when I am grown up. Part of growing up seems to be forgetting what it was really like to be a child. Getting stuck into routines and social masks, forgetting how to enjoy yourself, losing emotions. Why does no one know what insouciant means? It depresses me.

I hope Fran and Colin don't forget how to enjoy themselves. It's so easy to get wrapped up in careers and children… then realise you have become fundamentally dissatisfied with life. Now that I think about it, most of the people I know are divorced, or have divorced parents. Is nothing sacred? Personally, I'm either marrying for life or never swapping rings. That's another ambition I'll have forgotten about when I've grown up, I suppose.

I tried to call Fran today to wish her a happy anniversary, but no one answered the phone. She told me last week that she would skip work today to have a special day in with Colin while Lily was at school. I suppose they're too wrapped up in each other right now to answer the phone. Good for them, I say. Why should the telephone rule our lives? Why go out of your way to answer the Siren call of a telephone? Whatever the message lying in ambush at the other end of the line, it almost certainly won't be even remotely significant next to an entire lifetime, so why bother?

Here's a good quote: "The meaning of life is 42." I like that. The human race is so arrogant; assuming their existence has any significance or 'meaning' as we know it in the scheme of the universe. Pathetic. Our lives, our cultures, are hardly worth preserving. We're incidental and futile. Chew on that, then enjoy life. Fuck everyone else - fuck the law - fuck money - fuck your boss - fuck his secretary - it'll all be forgotten a generation after you die whatever happens. Life is nothing more than a sexually transmitted disease.

I married Fran fifteen years ago today. I wonder if we'll still be together in another fifteen years. I love her as much as I ever did, but I fear we're drifting apart. I blame hormones. Every damn problem in my life is the fault of a few rogue hormones.

Maybe Fran's having a mid-life crisis. I don't even know what one of those is, but it sounds about right. You see, in the last year or two, she's had an increasing compulsion to be totally independent. She's been trying to earn enough money to support herself without any financial help from me. She's been taking adult education courses to get more qualifications for her CV. She goes for random little excursions without telling me exactly where she'll be. She even wants to move to a smaller house so she doesn't have to employ the help of a maid to keep our living space in good order. She has also been generally impatient and moody lately.

Meanwhile, our beautiful daughter Lily is also developing a mind of her own. I'm so proud of her, and I trust her, but it's hard to let her go. It's hard to stop protecting her and let her learn from her own mistakes now that she's growing into a young adult.

Sadly, Lily has suddenly started claiming that she utterly despises Fran. In fact, Lily is often quite abusive to her. I swear she has reduced Fran to tears a couple of times. Unrequited hate - bummer, huh? Of course, I can't let her get away with it - she must respect both of her parents. But I don't want to risk weakening the bond between Lily and I by over-disciplining her.

It's all very stressful, especially with the constant pressure of work in the background. I have to work harder and harder so we can afford to keep living in the manner to which we are accustomed. In fact, our sex life has really begun to suffer. I can't remember the last time we made love. We had a fantastic burst of sexual activity a few years ago, she suggested that we try a number of great new things, but it has totally faded out since then. It was wonderful of her to make such an effort to rejuvenate our marriage back then. It's a shame that she couldn't sustain the effort. I find it almost impossible to get her interested in sex now. I tried yesterday night, but her mind was somewhere else entirely. Actually, I could swear that she cried herself to sleep.

I wonder what on earth has possessed her?

My life is a lie.

Picture this: I arrange a fantasy weekend with my lover, incredible Fran. It all goes to plan, we have a dreamy time - but then it strikes me that it IS just a dream. Just a fantasy. She loves me, I am her purpose in life, but I know that I don't love her as much. With this frightening personal revelation, my mind panics and I tell Fran everything she never wanted to hear.

And so I witness the person whom I most care about in the whole world die in my arms, by my own hand. I've never seen such agony and despair. I hope never to cause it again, in anyone. She had the worst two days of her life, but she is so strong. Instead of letting herself slip away, she helped me.

Thanks to her sound counseling and unparalleled wisdom, she allowed me to see the truth in my own heart. She persisted through thick and thin, drama and trauma until she clarified my own emotions. Once I saw how I really felt, it poured out. The lightness of raw truth filled the room.

This is my truth. When we first met, Fran fell totally in love with me. A love that will still be there for decades to come. I respected and admired her, and wanted to make her happy. But I didn't love her. Everything was perfect about her, and I convinced myself that I could fall in love. It has taken me three years to realize the mistake I made.

So it's over between Fran and I. It's for the best. It's painful, but we can be sincere to each other now. She will still love me, but she can love another. I hope I will also someday discover what real love feels like.

Unfortunately, the story is far from finished. In truth, we still can't be sincere. Why? Because Fran is married to someone else. Fifteen years today. Her recent emotional turmoil will surely have made her husband suspicious, and it wouldn't take much detective work to find out about our illicit relationship. Who knows what effect it will have on Fran's husband when he discovers that she has been unfaithful? The family could be ripped apart. Fran's bright daughter, my goddaughter, might be affected. I would hate myself if Lily had to see her parents fight and split up. It would be my fault.

The irony behind the whole twisted tale is that although Fran's husband loves her absolutely, she doesn't truly love him. She respected and admired him, and wanted to make him happy. Everything was perfect about him and he convinced herself that she could fall in love. But she never did love him.

My parents have their fifteenth anniversary today. There won't be any celebrations though. Not after what I just found out.

My mum's been having a secret affair with Joseph for the last 3 years. How insidious. I will refrain from reacting. She can assume I know and let the guilt punish her. I damn well hope she feels guilty. How insensitive and inconsiderate. I feel terribly sorry for Dad. He's the type that'll remain faithful forever, like his dad - he must feel so rejected. And what about the rest of mum's family? If Carla finds out she'll be devastated.

For all my life, my only long-term regret was asking Joseph to be my godfather. I hope he's forgotten - I think so. No wonder I always found it so hard to talk with him - he was obviously so nervous about letting anything out. And I doubted myself when I suspected it months ago.

I hate mum for making us like Joseph even though we really didn't. We were always forced to see him and his idiot friends. I wonder if this is the underlying reason for mum's urge to move to Brighton - that's where he lives. Mum is such a selfish bitch.

Maybe that is another reason for Dad becoming grumpy over the last couple of years. I'd always blamed him for overworking himself, or just put it down to the fact that I'm growing up and he's still treating me like a child (which is understandable). But it could all have been mum's fault. I've been naïve. Well done, mum - you've trained me to be forever suspicious and deceptive. If I learn my lesson well enough maybe one day I'll make you feel the same way.

I won't blame Dad if he disowns mum. All the lessons I tried to learn from her seem hollow. I didn't like the idea of commitment before, now it'll take a shrink to get me anywhere near it. Maybe I should run away for a year or so. No - I have too much to lose.

It hurts so much to think that she really loved him. I can imagine her explaining: "It may have been slightly against the rules, but I needed it at the time..." WHAT? I love cousin Eddie, should I start fucking him even though it's 'slightly against the rules'? It pains me to think that they probably used my asking Joseph to be my godfather as an excuse to make love that night. It's hard even to write it - as if I don't want to remind anyone.

God, I don't think I could ever let her hug me again without thinking that she was just doing that to Joseph. While he fucked her stupid. What an idiot. We've all been idiots. And it's all downhill from here.

Dear Lily,

I am much better writing thoughts down than speaking about them, mainly because I am such a scatterbrain. I am very, very sorry to have caused so much pain and anger to you, I am very sorry to produce so many negative feelings in you towards the person you love and revere - your own mother. It must be devastating and so hurtful. I am sorry that I made you grow a bit faster overnight. You are wiser with the same wisdom Adam and Eve had when they ate the apple, some innocence left them forever. I do not expect you to forgive me and to forget the event like there was nothing to it. The fact is that there was a lot to it and a lot that has to be reshaped after it.

Having an 'affair' for such a long time is not a purely carnal experience and self-gratification. It was the need for a very close relationship, a need to find happiness so that I could bring happiness to our home. But happiness acquired in secret is very difficult to share with the people you most love...

My relationship with Dad did not work out. We both tried for the last fifteen years to make it work, to make each other happy. And although we did have a promising start, the more the years passed the more apart we grew. Simply we were both unlucky with each other, he cannot make me happy and I cannot in return make him happy and cheerful. We are both dedicated to 'the family' and for all this time we have put all our energy into keeping the family together under any circumstances. Sacrificing our own personal relationship, which was badly suffering the last few years.

Just think of us; how much do we laugh together? Play together? Do things together? Enjoy each other's company? This is not how a couple should be. This is the wrong idea of a couple, the wrong role model of marriage. In marriage you do have difficulties and upheavals but you also have a lot of laughter and love, a lot of disagreements and agreements, lots of kisses and hugs. A marriage should not be sterile of emotions, there should be laughter and tears, love and dislike, 'yes's and 'no's all put together in a parcel with the dominant elements of love and goodwill. A marriage must be alive.

Our marriage has not been alive for the last six years at least and it was in a critical state long before that. But we both were committed to the ideal and the promise, the commitment we undertook and we kept on putting masses of energy trying to make it work. So we kept on being good parents, very loving and giving to our children, we kept an open house and a united family but we did not manage to find the magic in each other. I became impatient and moody; Daddy became grumpy and escalated his workoholism. We gave you everything but our own happiness. Children like to see their parents together, but I don't think they like them together unhappy.

We are both prepared to continue bringing you up in this house for another year, then we may move apart when the time comes. We are both in full harmony about our devotion to you. The last few years Daddy and I are doing different things, each on his own. Let that be the way we shall continue, each of us enjoying life and putting out energy to the three of you. Being happy instead of wasting energy to realise a relationship between us that died a long time ago. I want to yell FREEDOM, freedom from keeping a secret all these years that my relationship with my husband did not work. It was worth trying but after fifteen years one knows.

If you ask me 'then why did you marry him' I will tell you that he fascinated me, I had great admiration and respect for his fantastic personality. I was overwhelmed by his kindness and generosity, his brilliant mind. And after only a couple of months of knowing him we decided to get married. We gave everything to each other but somehow our souls never touched and with the years we drifted totally apart. And that is how it is.

As I said it was worth every moment of trying because we both are good people, popular and kind. We had a very interesting life and most of all we were blessed with a child like you, you are very special indeed and we are both extremely proud of you.

To close this long monologue I have some advice to you, which hopefully could guide you to a happy relationship. 1) Know yourself well. Know what you enjoy, what makes you laugh, what makes you happy. What do you want from a relationship? 2) Marry for love and eternal friendship, no other reason is going to make a relationship last the challenge of a marriage. Marry your soul mate and you will never look back again. You will know when you will find him, don't rush it.

Lily, I love you so deeply, you are really a special child and I always thank my good fortune that you were given to us. We are really honoured by your presence in our family. Sorry about the upheaval. Believe me it is for the best. I have nothing to hide from you any more (you do know I smoke a ciggy here and there).

I love you for everything you are.

Mum.

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